Do Manners Matter?

As children, we were taught – or should have been – that manners are important.  “Say please. Thank you.  Excuse me.”  And so forth.

The lessons generally took.  Politeness in human kind, I suggest, comes naturally. 

Some of us were also instructed on dinner table etiquette - with considerably less success.   Instinctive recognition that the fork goes on the left [why, when most of us are right-handed] is not exactly known as a common character trait in mankind.

But in a broader sense, manners – and the rules of etiquette which support them, are essential components of a civilized society.  What, after all, does the concept that we are social animals mean, or as john Donne put it, “no man is an island”?

We live together and need each other.   Therefore, we strive to get along with one another.  Good manners are the social lubricants that make that possible. 

How? 

Search no further than the golden rule.  Treat others as you would have them treat you.

A person foremost wants to be loved or at least respected and valued as a human being, not as a tool or as a means to someone else’s end.

So when we ask someone to do something, good manners direct that we say “please” so the request is presented with the option of being declined.  Thus, the request is formally respectful of that person’s free and independent status even though the reality is that an option to refuse may not be intended as both parties recognize (think of the boss’s “request” for action by his assistant). 

Closely related is the idea of consideration for others.  Its absence is rudeness – bad manners.  Holding the door for the person behind you and waiting your turn at the four way stop sign intersection are examples.

Another critical aspect of manners is not engaging in behavior that is offensive to others – don’t chew with your mouth open or blow your nose at the dinner table. 

Of course, the form of manners is not universal.  In the Middle East, for instance, belching by a guest after a meal denotes appreciation for the hospitality.

 

And in every society what constitutes acceptable behavior is subject to change.

An interesting example, in America these days, is the popularity of gift cards.  On one level, their use, instead of the purchase of a tangible gift, reflects a lack of consideration.  The giver needn’t think long about what the intended recipient might want.  But from another perspective, maybe the recipient would rather receive a card.  He can avoid the hassle of returning an unwanted item and get directly what he rather have that the giver might be unable to discern.  Older people unaccustomed to the now common usage might view their givers as ill-mannered.  Young people, however, are more likely to appreciate their receipt. 

At the core of good manners is simple respect.  Its perceived absence likely makes a person angry since no one likes to be disrespected. 

Contemplate the current political environment.  Did President Obama show respect for the GOP by his begrudging acknowledgment of the election results:  “they had a good night”?  Or was the lack of graciousness in defeat disrespectful?

Do liberals respect conservatives in Washington and vice versa?  As I see it, the former are more at fault than the latter.  Consider the myriad comments of the likes of Barack Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi impugning Republican motivation.

Whatever the case, there is no doubt that Washington is sorely lacking the social lubricants of good manners.